How to dress for your body type

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Medicinal qualities of wine…..

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you feel may benefit!

Now, just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz…

Explanation of Political systems (funny)

Warning – full of not so flattering stereotypes and equal opportunity to be offended…..

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive…

Flight safety

photo credit: licensed under Creative Commons from Beverly & Pack

One of my favourite books, Douglas Adam’s Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (a trilogy in five parts) has its hero travelling the universe interminably seeking….who knows what. Well he thinks he is seeking the earth in some parallel universe – it has been destroyed in his own universe. Anyway, this is actually beside the point.

Because of his excessive travel and excessive boredom, and because he was trapped on a spaceship which was put in suspended animation while they awaited a delivery of moist towelettes so they could take-off, when his flight is actually involved in an emergency, he is the only one who survives because he is the only one who has actually listened to the safety instructions.

Flying with children who are somewhat nervous brought this to mind. They are the only ones on the flight who listen to the stewards doing the emergency instructions, and are the only ones reading the evacuation and emergency procedures card.

Airline staff are one of those stereotypes that often is the butt of comedy jokes. And none-so-more that the emergency procedures which is, after all, the most distinctive thing about them from the viewpoint of the flying public.

Who has not seen a hilarious skit where the stewards turn the safety presentation into a lesson on bondage? Oh – what? only me? Ah well. It stayed with me.

Australian comedian Adam Hills tells a story about a hostie who had integrated some Auslan sign language (Australian sign language for hearing impaired) into the safety presentation. Only in Australia is there sign language for “Fuck you, Fuck youse all” (youse being plural of you, for those unfamiliar with vernacular bogan). I won’t spoil the joke – it can be viewed here.

However, airlines are starting to get in on the joke. Air New Zealand has released this Hobbit inspired safety video. While it is a hit on Youtube, I presume it is also shown on flights. While the safety details are pretty much the same as any other safety video, one would have to be more concerned about finding an orc, or Gollum sitting alongside or behind you….and there are no suggestions how to deal with unpleasant fellow-passengers. Also notable, two of Tolkien’s grandsons make guest appearances, as does Director Peter Jackson. This isnt Air New Zealand’s first effort – a previous safety video (view here) features stewards and passengers wearing…..body paint!

Of course other airlines have tried to make the safety videos mire interesting, notably….Thomson Airlines (featuring small children, this video from Sri Lankan Airlines is animated, as is this offering from Virgin Airlines, Delta Airlines, and Cebu Pacific’s video featuring a choreographed presentation, which must surely make the routine more entertaining for staff, as well as passengers.

Fly safe!

What not to do at the Office Christmas Party…

A timely warning and reminder.

We’ve all heard the disaster stories – some of us may have personally witnessed them, or worse, been them.

The receptionist who spent the evening picking up the (married) partners of the firm.

The ambitious young up-and-comer who got drunk and proceeded to vomit everywhere (including down himself – a memorable sight for all, including the boss).

The accountant who told her boss where to shove his job, graphically explaining her comments with finger gestures (this was a friend of mine – luckily she left to go to university and started a new career so the bridge-burning was not terminal).

The boss who decided this was the time to try out his “humorous” cross-dressing (and yes, this was a real-life example as well). Or the female coworker who decided to wear leather chaps with the buttocks cut out…..memorable to say the least!

The tales of groping, people having to be placed in taxis, nudity (worse – photocopied nudity). These are all tales of caution.

Yes, the Office Christmas Party – for some, a time to get together and relax, celebrate and commiserate over the year that was. For others, a career-limiting opportunity.

Herewith a few rules to get you through the silly season with dignity and career intact.

1. It may be a party, but it is still WORK. If you wouldn’t get drunk and make inappropriate moves on your coworkers in your work-time, don’t do it here. (If your workplace is the kind of place where you can do this anyway, then stop reading now – this is all superfluous for you.)

2. Don’t get drunk. If you must, do the work dinner then leave and go clubbing elsewhere. Meanwhile, be a demonstration of restrained appropriate alcohol consumption (or none if you don’t trust yourself).

3. Your coworkers are still your coworkers. Don’t get charged with sexual harassment. Again, if you feel the need, go somewhere else afterwards – and find someone consenting.

4. Dress appropriately. Yes, it is a relaxed social occasion….but it is still work. Flashing the flesh may not be appropriate – although the above-mentioned chaps were certainly a talking-point for a long time… (and this brings me to the next point)…

5. Look out for the cameras. Try not to have a glass in hand in every shot and ensure you look professional. Photos last longer than the joie de vivre and what might seem humorous at the time may not in January – or if it makes its way online.

6. Stay off social media. Tweeting about how bored you are, how the boss looks like an idiot in his/her santa outfit with tinsel accessories, what morons you work with, or tweeting photos of other coworkers in compromising positions – all likely to be remembered long after the day is fading in memory, and not in a good way.

But most importantly….

7. IT’s WORK! and this is your boss and work colleagues.

Don’t be a Christmas statistic.

Economic impact of the Toothfairy

Is the Tooth Fairy a good worker? On the one hand, somehow s/he manages to get around the world in an on-demand capacity, usually with little notice. On the other hand, in our house the Tooth Fairy was always pretty slack. Sometimes it took several nights (and repeated reminders from small children) before the Tooth Fairy finally turned up and did the financial deed. Conversations with friends showed that this was in fact a common experience. Apparently the usual excuse is a workload issue – so many children, unexpected tooth loss, etc. But eventually the tooth would be gone and money would be in its place…although the amount of money seemed to vary from house to house.

One of my sons, when aged about 8, decided to take control of the Tooth Fairy transactions. Having lost a molar, he decided that this was worth more money than your average baby tooth. So he wrote a contract on a scrap of paper and determined what he thought was a fair price – $51. Then, in order to enact the contract, he forged the Tooth Fairy’s signature, and left it out for the Tooth Fairy.

The flaw in the logic, of course, was that the Tooth Fairy would of course recognise that the signature was forged. Perhaps he was counting on s/he being very busy and somewhat distracted. Somewhat like his mother, in fact (although I don’t think I am THAT gullible!). Of course there may have been other flaws in the logic.

Now I would like to stress that the going rate for teeth in my house was nowhere near $51. It was more like $2, although there was some upward financial pressure when a substitute Tooth Fairy left $3 out one night – a precedent was set and could not be backed away from. Inflation had hit the exchange rate.

A friend argues very convincingly that the small decisions like Tooth Fairy rates are the basis of inflation in our economy. The argument goes like this.

If the Tooth Fairy starts leaving out more and more money per tooth, then the value of money to the child is devalued and hence pocket money rates have to rise. Small children with additional spending money hit the shops in a big way and canny retailers realise these children have no sense of the value of money, and hence they raise prices or create new and increasingly more crappy products with large price tags attached. If the prices of lollies, toys etc rise, then other food stuffs and household products rise so that parents think that the child’s purchases are still (in some scheme of things) worthwhile. And hey presto, inflation.

So – no pressure, Tooth Fairy – not only do you have to remember to turn up when teeth are laid out, but you need to make some serious decisions about exchange rates. Our economy depends you.

Funny knock knock jokes – yes, there is such a thing!

picture licensed under creative commons from fiorinolatino

Children have an instinct for humour. Even small babies laugh at something unexpected, however their organised and word-based humour takes a little while to kick in. But they’re keen. Most children rapidly learn the power that being able to make someone laugh conveys. The ability to inspire humour and a positive mood in another being is a powerful thing.

Part of the process of understanding humour and then being able to replicate it yourself, is the types of humour learned from one’s peers at school. As well as the inevitable and apparently hilarious toilet humour (what do you call hundreds and thousands? Smartie-poos. Hilarious! You said “poo”! And while if you have explain a joke it is no longer funny, for the sake of American readers, translate hundreds and thousands to multi-coloured cake sprinkles, and Smarties to M&Ms.), the somewhat existential chicken-crossing-road jokes, and the pun (what did the chicken say when its mother laid an orange? Look at the orange-mama-laid!), there is the knock-knock joke.

As anyone who has been subjected to endless knock-knock jokes by a small child or three knows, knock-knock jokes are not funny. They usually turn around some sort of pun and while I love puns, knock-knock jokes seem to have managed to harness every non-funny pun in the universe with which to torment me. And it would seem impossible to say just one knock-knock joke. They seem to come in packs of between twenty and a hundred. I suspect knock-knock jokes are behind many a minor car accident as a parent has been driven to distraction.

However, I have come across two funny knock knock jokes, and in the interest of balance and making things right in the universe, pun-wise, I present them here for your entertainment and delectation…..

1. A basic understanding of trekkie-dom is required for this one.: Vulcans doing knock Knock jokes.

“Knock knock.”

“I do not understand.”

“Just say ‘who’s there.'”

“But I already know your identity.”

“Yes, but it’s for the joke.”

“This is a joke?”

“You better believe it, brother.”

***

“Knock knock.”

“This is illogical.”

“Knock knock.”

” … ”

“Knock knock.”

“Very well. Who is there?”

“Orange.”

“The Terran fruit or the pigment?”

“It doesn’t matter. Either one.”

“Then I choose Earth’s pithy citrus.”

“…You know what? NEVER MIND.”

…..

“I do not ‘get it.'”

2. I admit this one is probably funny if you are a bit of a grammar-nazi.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

To

To who?

To whom.